How to Stop Fighting About Money

One of the biggest trouble spots that many couples face when trying to work together to create a fulfilling life: figuring out finances. In fact, the results of a Kansas State University study show “arguments about money are by far the top predictor of divorce.”

According to the study, it takes couples longer to recover from arguments about money – and factors like debt load and net worth value didn’t change the fact that fights over money were damaging to a couple’s relationship.

If you find yourself fighting about money with your partner, it’s time to learn how to resolve financial conflicts and work together as the team you are.

Understand Common Causes of Fights About Money

Understand the core set of problems that prompts disagreements over a couple’s money. Many experts explain that the individuals in a relationship simply view money differently, which causes friction.

Katie Brewer, founder of Your Richest Life Planning, explains that “when couples have very different attitudes about money, it can set up the relationship to be in constant turmoil over finances.”

Brian and Kitrina Wright of UniteWright agree. “Couples fight over money because they have different financial expectations,” the Wrights say. “Getting on the same page is key to ending the money fights.”

Financial planner and founder of Pavlov Financial Planning, Marcio Silveira, points out another issue that may cause couples to disagree and fight: “Men and women are different when it comes to attitudes towards risk. Men are more willing to take risk and tend to be overconfident about their abilities to succeed in business or investing. Women tend to seek stability and a high level of current consumption. These attitudes are not easy to reconcile.”

If these are the causes of couples fighting about money – not being on the same page, different expectations and attitudes – then what are the solutions?

End Money Fights by Working as the Team You Are

Financial pros say there’s a simple starting point for couples wanting to work together on their finances. “If couples fight over money, I always recommend they do a budget together,” says Sam Farrington, founder of Sound Mind Financial Planning.

“Couples must budget together,” the Wrights say. “That doesn’t mean they have to merge their bank accounts, but they must have a place where they are tracking cash inflows and outflows for the household. They have to be open to talking about money with their partner and willing to listen to their partner too.” Use an online program such as Mint.com, an excel spreadsheet, or something as simple as a pen and paper. It doesn’t need to be fancy!

Financial planner PJ Wallin, of Atlas Financial, suggests making sure both individuals understand how to perform basic tasks associated with budgeting and being financially responsible. “Have each person take on the bill pay or other role for a few months here and there,” he advises. “It may not be a long-term thing, but I think that helps people understand the household finances.”

Productively Communicate on Financial Topics

Another critical step to help you stop fighting about money: good communication. Daniel Wrenne, founder of Wrenne Financial, says that having a conversation is critical. “Be gracious with your spouse,” he advises. “Work towards greater transparency and simplicity. This will allow for better communication.”

“When two people are building a life together, they must know how and when to listen and learn to read between the lines,” adds Pam Horack, founder of Pathfinder Planning. “I often recommend that couples set a monthly meeting to discuss their budget and finances.”

Unsure of where to start? “Establish your monthly money mechanics first,” Brewer says. “Have a dollar amount that is okay to spend without asking the other person, and a dollar amount where you should ask your significant other first.” At monthly meetings, she says you can discuss how well you stuck to your budget, the progress you made with financial goals, and what you want to do differently next month.

Sophia Bera, founder of Gen Y Planning, agrees that meetings are a key element in developing good communication around financial issues – and points out that some couples would benefit from meeting more frequently.

“Have a money date every week,” Bera suggests. “This is a time to go over your budget, look at your bank statements, check in on your financial to-do list, and more.” She says that setting aside a specific time to talk about money, couples eliminate the feeling that finances are taboo and difficult to discuss. Regularly coming together to look at what’s going on with your money also helps you stay on top of financial issues, which means less unpleasant surprises.

Tools to Help You Stop Fighting About Money

Financial experts suggest taking advantage of tools and resources that can help you put an end to money fights. Many advised creating a financial plan that can help you both stay on track and keep long-term goals in mind.

“I use their financial plan as the tool to make sure everyone is on the same page,” explains Silveira.

Horack also suggests understanding more about each person’s money personality. “One of the tools I use to help couples better understand each other is the MoneyMax® Financial Psychology Couples report. This can be eye-opening, particularly for couples who are combining their lives and learning how to communicate about money.”

Brewer has another unique and fun way to help couples learn to work together on money issues. “A great resource to get the conversation started about attitudes and habits towards money is through the use of Money Habitude cards. You can order a deck of cards or play the game online. It can start a great conversation about how you view money.”